Sleep Thief

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  • Sleep's Rights
  • By Aaron Robair
  • Gee! It's nearly 11:30 pm, and I'm still eating! I'm tired but I can't get to sleep! Gosh! I do this all the time, it's time to stop!
  • Hold up, soldier! Don't you know you'll gain more weight eating before, and become more sleep deprived, because of the sugars in your food?! How you gonna fight the Union like that?
  • Confederate General Stonewall Jackson!?! (Wait, how'd you get in my house?)
  • I'm always so tired during school, I can never focus during class, and I think my grades are taking a hit. And I'm gaining weight, too!
  • (Aren't you supposed to be dead like over a hundred years ago? Seriously, you had your arm shot off by your own soldiers.)
  • You need 9 1/4 hours of sleep, y'know! Eating before bed keeps you awake, and makes you gain more weight, because your body's in energy storage mode, you can't fight off Northern Aggression when you can't pull your own weight
  • I wish there was something I could do, but what? I'm always hungry at night!
  • (But you lost the war, don't you know you're on the wrong side?)
  • You won't win the war with that attitude, soldier! Maybe you should start with eating three meals a day. Then you won't be hungry late at night, that simple!
  • I've taken your advice! Now that I'm full at night I'm no longer waking up to eat, so I'm focused at school form a good night's sleep! My grades are through the roof!
  • (You know the Union, already won, right?)
  • You've lost a ton of weight from eating healthy, instead of your before bed junk food! Now no amount of Union Soldiers can stop you now!
  • Rest up, Soldier! You've got the battle of State's Rights tomorrow! Then the South shall rise again!
  • (ZZZZ Abolitionists Won. ZZZZ)
  • *This story is not an endorsement of the Confederacy. Only an endorsement of good sleep.*
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