The Three Little Pigs, or the greedy jerks who wouldn't help me out at all
By jerrico01, Updated
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Once upon a time there were three little pigs. They were my neighbors and they were the WORST. I heard through the grapevine that their parents died and left them all a ton of money to build their own houses. Because they were unbelieveably lazy and cheap, each of them hired people to build their houses out of whatever material they could find lying around.
I was doing some home improvement, cleaning out gutters and what not when I realized that my lawnmower was not working. I decided to go next door to Alfred Pig's house, to see if I could borrow his mower. I knocked on the door several times, but Alfred either wasn't home or he was ignoring me. I knocked a little harder this time and all of a sudden, the dang straw walls fell down! I mean, let's be honest - of COURSE straw walls weren't going to stand the test of time. As I stood among the crumbling ruins of Alfred's house, I contemplated my next option.
I marched over to Bernard's house to ask about the lawnmower. He had been a little bit less cheap with his construction material and had a house of sticks. I knocked on the door, but just like his brother, Bernard didn't answer. I knocked again, careful to make sure I didn't hit the sticks too hard and accidentally knock this one down too. Frustrated, I turned to leave but as I swung around, my left elbow caught the edge of his doorframe and I think you know what happened next. Bernard's house was completely demolished.
I walked over the Charles's house. Now of the three brothers, I liked Charles the best. He would at least grunt at me when I said hello to him, and had apparently decided that bricks would make a better material than straw or sticks. Carefully, I knocked on his door. This time, instead of the deafening silence I received at Alfred and Bernard's houses, I heard a gruff voice shout, "Go away!".
Apoplectic with rage and indignation, I yelled back, "I did not do it on purpose! What kind of idiots build their houses with straw and sticks? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of and it's not my fault they fell down." Charles, along with Alfred and Bernard, made a rather rude gesture through the window and then disappeared.
Not being one to give up, I tentatively called out, "Charles? It's your neighbor. I was just wondering if I could possibly borrow your lawnmower? Mine, um, isn't working and I REALLY want to trim my lawn."Charles's face appeared in the little window. His eyes were bulging and his snout was trembling with anger. "Look you bully, Alfred and Bernard are both here and they claim that you purposely destroyed their houses just for fun. I think it's time you leave, before we call the cops."
I had had enough, I was completely done with these stupid pigs and their stupid houses and I was going to bring down the third. I walked across the yard and grabbed a sledgehammer from Charles's garage. Standing next to the window, I brought it down with a terrifying crunch. The bricks on the side of the house started to crumble. Again I brought the hammer down, fury fueling my motions. The dismantling of the carefully laid bricks was music to my ears. I was just about to bring it down a third time when I saw the flashing lights out of the corner of my eye.No matter how hard I tried, the police would not let me tell my side of the story. My grandmother had to come and bail me out of jail, which was positively mortifying. I was forced to give Alfred and Bernard my house in the settlement and had to pay for the damage done to Charles's. The newspapers laid me with that awful "Big and Bad" title. I don't know if there was anything I could have done to prevent this from happening, but I do know that I'm never living next to such rotten neighbors ever again.
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