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  • Once upon a time, there was a man named Joe. Joe irritated the wrong people. One day, Joe disappeared, in suspicious circumstances surrounding a certain narrator.
  • Wait, what?
  • He was buried near a lake in California in a coffin filled with sand and rock; the perfect circumstances for fossilization.
  • As his body decomposed, the minerals filled in the spaces that formed in his bones. After millions of years, a perfect cast of his skeleton was formed. Aboveground, the lake had dried up and the land repurposed as a giant mushroom farm.
  • His cast was almost destroyed when Yellowstone exploded and the Earth was filled with mildly warm magma, but in a crazy stroke of luck it survived thanks to the mushroom farmer's faulty AC unit. 
  • He was found 350 million years after his death by a were-mole looking for his car keys who donated the cast to a museum.
  • Joe's fossil became renowned worldwide as the most haunted fossil ever found. He was exhibited in the museum for twenty years before a pride of lions with knives destroyed him during the Fawkes Revolution.
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