I bid thee, i am not crazy! i neith'r expecteth n'r solicit believeth from thee. I wouldst just liketh to unburden mine own soul.
At which hour i wast a issue[child], i did own many animals. At which hour i hath grown up, i still did own many animals, one of which wast an endear'd gib[cat] of mineth whomst'd i adressed as pluto. I eke[also] hadst a jointress[wife] and a sev'r alcohol problem.
One day, the gib annoy'd me, so i cutteth out its eye with a bodkin[knife] and did hang the po'r creature. Aft'rwards, i hath felt lacking valor[bad], so i adopt'd anoth'r gib.
KICKETH THE BUCKET!
howev'r, yond[that] gib lief[soon] annoy'd me too. bef're longeth, i hath found myself attempting to atrocinate the gib with an axe! at which hour suddenly, mine own jointress int'rcept'd the bloweth, tributing h'r owneth life f'r the safety of the gib!
FIE! i hath decided to mure[wall] up h'r corse wh're the fusty fireplace hadst been. Nev'rtheless, some days lat'r, police offic'rs arriv'd at mine own house to investigateth. i answ'r'd those folk easy, and didst not panic whilst those gents did search mine own house, until, i hath heard a t'rrible screech coming from the walls! upon dismantling the walls, th're i did see the beast, crying out its revenge!
What be this!
Alas, yond[that] all leads up to the situation i am in anon[now]. In a cage cell, did sentence to the fullest extent of the law, the death penalty, waiting to beest execut'd tom'rrow!