I have always struggled with being the only black girl around. My mom would tell me that living among white people is better than living with a lot of black people. I had a hard time with this because growing up isn't easy. I always wished I was born white instead of black
I would cry about it very often at home. Especially in 7th grade. I don’t know why it specifically hit me then but it did. I just really couldn’t handle being different at this point. I just wanted to be like everyone else and not stand out. It didn’t matter what people said to me to make me feel better because I always thought this way
Sometimes, I even contemplated just ending everything for myself. By that, i mean commit suicide. Now this is an interesting but not uncommon topic for a girl my age to feel. Anyone that knew me at this point would never think I would think such things but I did
I met a guy at the beginning of 7th grade because we had every class together. We got close and we started telling each other secrets. I have an issue opening up to people because I have trust issues so I tend to build up a huge wall. With him, the wall seized to exist
The two of us got to hanging out more and more at school. People started to think that we were dating because of how close we had gotten. He made me feel happy but I never forgot how I felt about myself
One night we got to talking and I decided to tell him how I felt about myself. As soon as I did it I felt some sense of relief. I never talked to someone about it before. I thought he was going to react badly but he didn't. Well of course he was shocked I felt this way because I always seemed happy. But after he told me that I have a lot to live for and that there are people in my life that love me. He told me that I am not ugly and I shouldn't be ashamed for being black.