Colin desperately wants to matter and is tired of being known as "the child prodigy," so he sets off to figure out a way to predict the outcome of relationships.
"-D7x8+D2x3-x4/A5-Cx2-Px+13P+sin(2x)/2[1+(-1)H+1(x+11π/2)H/|x+11π/2| I think that's close."
TOC (the other Colin) Lindsey's boyfriend has having an affair with Katrina, Lindsey's best friend since sophomore year.
"Colin, tell me if I'm mistaken, but isn't that my girlfriend in the graveyard? And she's straddling some guy."
"Yeah? You are not mistaken. That's correct."
"Yup." "Don't know that's any of your business, on account of how you don't own the hole."
"Do you work for Gutshot Textiles?" "Watcha throwing in that hole?"
"There's no one to buy them Lindsey. They stacked up in the warehouse... Until it came to this." "That's right baby. If we cut production down to what we are selling, we'd lose most of our people. We'd kill Gutshot."
"... and why are you burying everything? "You don't want to fire anyone." "Now I know why you work at home, so know one will know what's going on."
"Wow. My first Lindsey." "My second Colin."
Meanwhile as Colin finishes his Theorem...
Colin, I hate to fulfill the Theorem, but I don't think we should be involved romantically. The problem is that I am secretly in love with Hassan. I can't help myself. I hold your bony shoulder blades in my hands and I think of his fleshy back. I kiss your stomach and I think of this awe-inspiring gut. I like you, Colin. I really do. But-- I'm sorry. It's just not going to work. I hope we can still be friends. Sincerly, Lindsey Lee Wells P.S. Just kidding.