"All the torment of these recent times, all the disillusionment, all the despair, had not affected him so much as it did the moment the Om reached his consciousness and he recognized his wretchedness and his crime" (89).
"Never had a sleep so refreshed him, so renewed him, so rejuvenated him! Perhaps he had really died, perhaps he had been drowned and was reborn in another form" (91).
Wow, I made terrible decisions in my old life.
"I am not going anywhere. I am only on the way. I am making a pilgrimage" (93).
Siddartha is experiencing the abyss step of the hero's journey. At this moment, he is ready to die. However, right before he was going to allow himself to fall into the river, he remembered the Om. Only then did he truly become aware of the recklessness of his past life. When Siddartha was living in Kamala's town, he was living with the absence of the spirituality that he had grown up with. That spirituality is what kept him grounded and provided guidance, and without it, his life spiraled downhill. This absence allowed him to live and act carelessly, unaware of the full extent of the detriment of his actions. He was so lost and confused that he was unable to realize the severity of the consequences of his past life until he reconnected with his divinity.
"I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to thoughts of suicide, in order to experience grace, to hear Om again, to sleep deeply again and to awaken refreshed again" (97).
Siddartha is still experiencing the abyss stage of the hero's journey. The rich, heedless part of him has died and he has been reborn as a new man, a sensible, religious man. He sees his old life as a time far back in the past, and is fully aware that he cannot live in that toxic manner again. He has now made a goal for himself: to follow the path of self-actualization. In order for him to make this goal, he had to release the part of himself that was responsible for his previous rashness.
"His Self had crawled into this priesthood, into this arrogance, into this intellectuality. It sat there tightly and grew, while he thought he was destroying it by fasting and penitence" (99).
I've been trying so hard to escape the mentality of being flawless, but in the process I've just been adding fuel to the fire.
This is when Siddartha officially became aware of his journey to self-fulfillment. He knew that he was on a journey, even though he didn't know the destination. He also knew that once he had completed his journey, he would be a better version of himself, and he was determined to stay on this path because he knew that it was the best path for him to be on.
This is when Siddartha surrendered himself to the quest. He had to endure the worst, most challenging experiences in order for him to find the way back to his spirituality and experience love and happiness again. His religion came back to him at the moment he needed it the most. He also realized that he needed to live his past pernicious life in order to grow and learn from his mistakes. This was the turning point in Siddartha's life.
This is when Siddartha realized the reason behind his behavior. He was so used to being the best of the best that when he left that environment, the environment where he was always at the top, he didn't know what to do with himself. He was unknowingly fueling the mindset that he was better than everyone else. He tried so hard to destroy that feeling of superiority that he didn't realize he was only making the situation worse.