The Pigman

The Pigman

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  • Actually, I hate school, but then again most of the time I hate everything.
  • got us involved with this old guy we nicknamed the Pigman.
  • Now I don't like school, which you might say is one of the factors that...
  • ...The Bathroom Bomber.
  • I used to really hate school when I first started at Franklin High. I hated it so much the first year they called me...
  • They called me that because I used to set off bombs in the bathroom.
  • I set off twenty-three bombs before I didn't feel like doing it anymore.
  • After my bomb avocation, I became the organizer of the super-colossal fruit roll. You could only do this on Wednesdays because that was the only day they sold old apples in the cafeteria. On Wednesdays, when I knew there was going to be a substitute teacher, I'd pass the word at lunch and all the kids in that class would buy these scrawny apples.
  • When I whistled, that was the signal to roll 'em. Did you ever hear a herd of buffalo stampeding? Thirty-four scrawny, undernourished apples rolling up the aisles sound just like a herd of buffalo stampeding.
  • Then we'd take them to class and wait for the right moment-like when the substitute was writing on the black-board. I'd pick out the right moment and clear my throat quite loudly-which was the signal for everyone to get the apples out. Then I gave this phony sneeze that meant to hold them down near the floor.
  • I suppose it all started when Lorraine and I and these two amoebae called Dennis Kobin and Norton Kelly were hot on these phone gags last September. We made up a new game in which the object was to a keep a stranger talking on  the phone as long as possible. At least twice a week we'd meet for a telephone marathon.
  • Ever since the Pigman died, a lot has changed. 
  • Now, Lorraine can blame all the other things on me,  but she was the one who picked out the Pigman's phone number. If you ask me, I think he would have died anyway. Maybe we really speeded things up a little, but you really can't say we murdered him.
  • Not murdered him.
  • To be continued...
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