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Concerning your thesis statement, don't forget it ought to have a clear focus, purpose and topic. In your case, your position isn't clear, so I suggest to state it.
This would make your thesis much stronger!
Lastly, but not least, we'd like to praise the strategy you used to support your arguments. Pointing out different examples works really well! You did such a great job with that!
Thank you so much for your advice!Have a nice day!
We both hope you find these tips helpful for your future tasks. Have a lovely day!