I am happy when I am thinking for myself. The party has deprived me of all things happy, but now that I have started this journal my happiness has just began. Making this journal could be the end of me, but in the end it is worth it. I have realized that I must sacrifices to be happy.
My relationship with other people and myself is a complex one. I am very positive and negative person that struggles with myself´s actions. I am completely aware of the parties manipulation on others and knowing the truth has made me realize that this is not how I want to live my life. I am now putting on a facade and am becoming seclusive. I have desire to stay true to my feelings and I am now starting to act on them.
¨They can´t get inside you. If you feel that staying human is worth while, even when it can´t have any result whatever, you´ve beaten them¨. (Book 11 Chapter 7 pg 138)
I am bored with life because since I could remember I was doing my duty to the party working and attempting to create children. I was never doing anything for myself and I grew bored with my life. I am now knowledgeable that I need to live life for myself and with my simple acts of rebellion I have been living a more exciting life especially with Julia by my side.
¨He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past¨.
I am dissatisfied with life because I am forced to work, have kids and live a life of misery to comply with the rules of the party. They have brainwashed the people around me and I am unable to question authority. I need to express myself because If I don´t I am going to explode.
Julia is key to living a good life. She has mad me happy and when O´Brien said if we were ready to separate both of us said No. I have changed my whole life and I even stopped drinking because when I drink I feel numb and since I am now happy life is now worth living.
¨I am not interested in the generation, dear. I´m interested in us¨.(Book 2 pg 129)
¨The smell of her hair, the taste of her mouth, the feeling of her skin seemed to have got inside him, or into the air all round him. She had become a physical necessity, something that he not only wanted but felt that he had a right to¨.(Book2, pg115)
I have sexual relationships and it feels great. I have finally realized that there is so much more to life that just being zombies and following everything the government does. I have been living a more happier life with Julia and there so much that i want to experience. Life for me is not over.