Hey, gods. It's Devi Vishwakumar, your favorite Hindu girl in the San Fernando Valley. It's the first day of school, and I thought we should check in. After the past year, I thought of a couple ways you can make it up to me. First, I'd like to be invited to a party with alcohol. I'd also like for my arm hair to thin out. Lastly, I'd really like a boyfriend. And not some nerd, I mean like, a guy on a sports team. It doesn'matter if he's dumb, he just needs to be good-looking. Thanks. Love you guys.
This year, we're rebranding. And lucky for you, I've created a plan!
As she said, this is Devi Vishwakumar. She's a 15 year old Indian-American girl from Sherman Oaks, California, and it's her first day of sophomore year. I am legendary tennis player, John McEnroe. You might be wondering why I'm narrating this story, it'll make sense later.
But he's a foot shorter than me!
I have chosen attainable, yet status-enhancing people for each of you to date. Fabiola, you get Alex Gomez.
Eleanor, you get Boris Kozlov.
The Russian exchange student? He's eating an onion!
Devi worshipped her father. But one year ago at one of her orchestra concerts, he had a heart attack and died.
Oh, we don't call you the UN like the United Nations, we call you that because you're unf*ckable nerds.
You know, it's really racist when you call us the UN.
I get Jonah Sharpe. He's gay, but technically not out yet. After my status is boosted by him, I can move on to a straight guy.