Being alone.That's the hardest part.Even with another person, I'm alone. No matter what I say, I'm not listened to. Feelings? What are those? No matter how many times I speak or protest or try to lay it out, it's twisted back on me. It's all my fault. I'm the one who's wrong.
Hate. Anger. Shame. Fear. That's all I've ever learned. That's the only lessons that were ever taught. Worse, the learning doesn't truly make itself known until you're trying to break free.Or when you're only trying to be heard.
It becomes silence. Silent raging. Silent wanting-this-to-be-over-with. Silent stop-yelling-at-me. Silent you're-not-listening-to-a-damn-thing-I-say. all the reasons & excuses & voices & emotions that others get to use. Those are denied to me. Anger isn't allowed. Frustration isn't allowed. Pain isn't allowed. Being heard the first time isn't allowed. I'm tired of shutting up just to end the argument. I'm tired of agreeing because what I say makes no difference.I've given up. And I no longer care.