Jaws of the Pacific

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To the absolute love of my life! I hope this shows how much I truly love you - and your weird, weird sense of humor. Merry Christmas, Bubby!Love Always, Stacey
HA, why is that Bogart?
Whatttt you don't have any teeth!
Yea so today sucked
Because Gofer, you know my teeth?
Yea I have teeth so my gums don't hurt.
Maybe so, but my gums hurt.
BASTARD!
Yes mwahaha I have teeth, I wasn't a fool like you!
I dunno
How am I a fool!?
You know what YOU!
You Amish bastard! Ever since you got circumcised you have gone crazy!
WHAT?
I think you're gay.
Nothing but I think it had to be said.
What does that have to do with anything?
You stupid son of a bitch. Don't lie!
Well do you know what? I heard your ma slept with my pa!
Yea you are just trying to get me mad because I called you gay.
First of all, I wasn't a son of a bitch. I was born by gofers you idiotttt.
NOOOOOOOO
GRUNT
GRUNT
It's funny how your ma came to our log and I heard grunts.
Gofer tries to choke Bogart with a rock
You bastard!
Yes mwahahaha its true!
Bogart finds a nearby twig and stabs Gofer-With-One-Eye in his good eye
You may laugh now but wait, just YOU wait. YOU WILL GET YOURS!
AHH my good eye! I'm BLIND!
Yes, yes, yes!
15 years go by...Bogart who had poked out the eye of Gofer-With -One- Eye-That-Now-Lost-Both-Eyes is in his prime. Bogart is soaking up all the food, logs and other gofer stuff they need to survive. While Gofer-With-One-Eye-That-Now-Lost-Both- Eyes, who is scrounging up nickels and lying in swamps, meets a new friend. He is known as "THE COW." He is called that because he is actually a real cow that got lost from his farm. They get to talking. The Gofer-With-One-Eye-That-Now-Lost-Both-Eyes begins talking about the tragedy...
Well, everything you idiot.
MOOOOO what sucks? You being blind? Or being smelly and ugly and have nothing to live for?
His name is Bogart.
Yea, his parents were Amish.
MOOOOO Who names their son that?
MOOOO. Who did this to you?
HA You're Amish!
SHUT UP YOU! Back to the story...
Yes, but besides that.
Mooooo. Aren't you Amish?
15 years ago was the day when everything happened. My life as i know it crashed down upon me like millions of Japanese people falling out of subway trains from the wrath of King Kong.
As I remember it, I was sitting in the playpen with Bogart. We were playing and talking like normal gofers until we started fighting.
Just my ma had an affair with his pa.
Exactly.
MOOOO. What was the fight about?
MOOOOO yea that is stupid.
I need your help.
How about a thing called chocolate?
MOOOO fine, but what will you do for me? mwahaha
You really are an idiot. As I begin to look at the things you say, I realize that you are the dumbest gofer in the history of gofers and should be lynched whenever you open your mouth!
Listen you. I'm tried of you and your comments. What do you want then?
Moooo. I want a small thing, very small.
Then what is it you stupid cow...that has mad cow disease.
Moooo. I want a doctor.
Moooo. Listen either you supply the doctor or I won't help.
Yes well that is very nice but since I'm blind and a gofer I'm sure I can find you the best one in all of Cambodia.
Fine...fine you got your stupid doctor.
Moooo. Yes, yes now what is it you actually want me to do?
See I devised a little plan while living like a scummy beaver for 10 years. Since I could remember, Bogart always had a thing for Kit Kats. When we were little beavers we would laugh and play but when it came down to lunch, Bogart always packed a Mac Cola and one package of Kit Kats.
He would laugh at me while I had a piece of cheap scummy wood to eat. I HATE wood! So he would make fun of me and called me Amish while he enjoyed his Kit Kat.
HAHAHAHAHAHAAH
Mooo. Ok seriously, you're crazy. Like you're not only dumb but also insane. How is a Kit Kat going to kill him?
Well my friend, the lunch he loved is going to be the lunch that cost him his life!!
Mooo. But how?
He will choke and choke he shall!
You will say something funny and he chokes while eating the Kit Kat.
What do you call a black person who flies an airplane? A pilot you racist!
GASP!
Moooooo. But can't you do that?
Yes I could do that but since I'm blind and can barely find my way through the woods...yea I'm sure I'll be able to find Bogart.
Mooooo ok, ok.
Gofer-With-One-Eye-That-Now-Lost- Both-Eyes and THE COW with mad cow disease are devising the plan on how to kill Bogart. Bogart lives 10 trees and one river away from the meeting discussing his death....
He's poor, he has a scummy girlfriend that came from Compton and is addicted to Kit Kats. He's on Welfare. His log is rotting away from termites and he spends his whole pay check on Kit Kats. Also it might be nice to add in that his teeth are now rotted away from years of eating Kit Kats.
I'm sorry Oprah, its just that I am quite tense.
Can you just shut up!?
But it's been so long
I see. It's because you haven't eaten any Kit Kats yet.
It's been 5 minutes!
I'm tired of your ways. We are broke, we live in a cheap log, you are a scummy beaver that has no teeth, you're a Kit Kat addict. We are done!
NOOOOOO!
Screw it! I'm getting wasted and buying a huge load of Kit Kats and staying inside all night!
On the way to ALDI (the cheap store that doesn't even have name brand foods) he meets his old archenemy, Gofer-With-One-Eye-That-Now-Lost-Both-Eyes.
You know as I got older and as you got older I would think of you as being smarter. Obviously I'm extremely wrong due to the fact that you are blind and can't see at all you Amish bastard.
Bogart tries to fight the cow but can't really do anything because, he's a gofer fighting a cow. Bogart runs but then is grabbed and slammed to the ground. Bogart starts to crawl when the Cow goes in for the kill!
I can't see but I smell you and you smell like Bogart! Well I see that you're doing well.
The Cow stands over the dead body of Bogart. Then swings in Gofer-With-One-Eye-That-Now-Lost-Both-Eyes from a near by vine screaming like Tarzan.
You're wrong, you know that. You're all wrong!!
You know you haven't changed at all! Word around the forest is that you are a Kit Kat addict.
Bogart runs away screaming and yelling like a homeless person. After passing 10 trees he realizes he is safe now. Then all of a sudden he hears something. Bogart hears a MOOOO from a cow.
Gofer-With-One-Eye-That-Now-Lost-Both-Eyes lied about the doctor. He knew no doctors. He's a gofer. So now he attacks the cow with a rock. The Cow is surprised by the attack and has a heart attack on the spot.
The cow is leaning up against a tree looking like Fonzy from Happy Days while holding a large freshly made Kit Kat in his hand. The cow speaks...
Mooo! Hello you. My name is Jacques.
Mooo! Don't be scared you stuttering bastard, it's all right I don't bite. I mean, I am a cow.
H...H...Hello?
Moooo. You look tired. Why don't you rest?
No time for rest. He is after me.
Moooo. But who?
What the hell is this, Jeopardy? What's with all the questions?
Gofer-With-One-Eye-That-Now-Lost-Both-Eyes-Who-Can-See-Because-Of-A-Transplant-From-Buzz's-GF now owns a successful business promoting Kit Kats. Kids love his Kit Kats and so does everyone else. The Gofer becomes very rich and powerful.
Moooo. Sorry gofer just trying to look out for ya. You look hungry why don't you eat this Kit Kat.
No, no I can't. I can't I tell you!
Moooo. But why? It's mighty tasty. It's milk chocolate with a zesty crunch!
Fine, break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar.
As Bogart eats the Kit Kat bar the Cow attacks!
YES DIE! MOOOO!
Yes, you would like that doctor wouldn't you.
MOOO. Now it's done. Now about that doctor. I mean I do have mad cow and it does suck. I feel sick and tired. So I'd like that doctor right about now.
Well that was easy. Hahahaha. Now it's time to finish what I've started.
10 years pass by. Gofer-With-One-Eye-That-Now-Lost-Both-Eyes has worked up in the forest. He is now a bitter gofer with one thing on his mind. Money and power. Actually that's two things. Anyway the Gofer-With-One-Eye-That-Now-Lost-Both-Eyes retrieved an eye transplant from Buzz's GF. He now controls most of the land and is creating a chocolate factory producing a large amount of Kit Kats.
Yes mahahaha it's all coming according to plan. Soon I will own everything and everyone will honor me! Mahahaha!
You talking to me?
I hate the Amish. I wish you guys would die!
No, I was umm talking to myself.
The Gofer buys out all of the Hershey brand bars, Wonka bars and Juicy Fruit companies. All factories not producing Kit Kats were bought out and bankrupt.
Gofer-With-One-Eye-That-Now-Lost-Both-Eyes-Who-Can-See-Because-Of-A-Transplant-From-Buzz's-GF is running for President. He can do so because he has so much money and people love his Kit Kats.
He is running against Ross Perot (the guy with big ears and talks like he's country and who is very old and who also lost in every election he was every present in). They are at a debate in South Dakota.
Break me off a piece of that lib-er-ty!
I believe I will be a very successful president for the Unites Stares due to the fact that Americans love Kit Kats and that everyone hates Ross Perot because he is old!
YAY!!
I believe you have no idea what you're talking about. I believe you're a Gofer that knows nothing about politics!
Well I believe that you are extremely old and that you should have died at least 10 years ago. Anyway people want chocolate and chocolate is what the people shall get!
YAY!!
I believe I can help America become a secure nation and lower taxes!
You know what Ross? No one cares what you think because you are old and annoying. Yea so what you have a lot of money. You will never become president because people don't respect you. So please, shut up and die.
YAY!!
Ross Perot gets so mad that he jumps out to kill the Gofer!
Break me off a piece of that lib-er-ty!
The secret service agents jump out at Ross and stop him. They shoot him in both kneecaps and smash glass in his feet to give him dwarfism!
Break me off a piece of that lib-er-ty!
The Gofer wins the presidency by a landslide!
He begins dating and marries a Gofer named Barbar. They are very hapy and the Gofer isn't sad about being loney. But what must he do to gain more power and more Kit Kats?
The answer is, take over the world and hold Cambodia and Uruguay hostage with nuclear missiles and chemical weapons!
Gofer delivers the State of the Union Address.
We face a tough task in front of us today, America. I believe as a nation we are failing in our efforts to be known as the most powerful country ever. Do you know why I believe this? I believe this because we need more!
We need more money. We need more homes. We need more land. But most of all, most of all...we need more Kit Kats! Yes I understand you may think of my actions as being hasty and pointless and stupid. Let me remind you all that what I am doing is for the best for us and the best for our children and the best for our children's children.

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