It's a feeling that leaves you hopeless until there is no feeling left at all, like static on an old television.
I was going to do it , I had it all planned and ready, I was going to jump. The night before I wrote a letter to my mom. I said goodbye. I said i was sorry.
That day, it felt like everything was telling me not to do it, telling me that things could change, but I never was one for optimisim.
I love you, Ester. You know that, right?
I...I know, mom. I love you too
I made my way up to the top floor, and I just stood there, frozen. I kept thinking about my mother opening my letter, how she would feel. I was leaving her alone, how selfish I was being. I couldn't jump. I couldn't do that to her.
How can I help you?
I need to be admitted.
I... uh... I just tried to kill myself.
My mother couldn't afford the cost of a psychiatric center, so instead, they sent me to some tired rehab center for troubled teens.
It may not seem like much, but there are people there that can help you.
There, I met people who taught me that it was ok to be an optimist once in a while. People who made me realize I wasn't alone.
I make my way up to the top floor but this time to feel the fresh air on my skin, hear the people on the street, and the sun on my skin. This time I feel like living for myself is enough.