We met that one day in the McDonald’s parking lot, and I don’t think we’d been apart since. The look in his eyes never changed; they were as bright and dazzling as brown eyes could be. Something about the way he looked at me made me feel warm inside. It was clear at this point what direction we were headed. But I was only fourteen, and no boy had ever looked at me in this manner before. Being with him felt like home in the scariest way possible; I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to be, but something was holding me back. The little voice in the back of my head knew much better than I did, and I wish I had listened the first time.
“Come here, I want to talk to you.”, he said in a soft tone. Yet, I shook my head in refusal. We went back and forth for a few minutes before he accepted defeat. I looked up into his eyes in the night; they looked soft, dark, and overcome. It was the first time I’d seen them look this way. We exchanged a series of awkward goodbyes, and he slowly crept back to the car, only to drive away quickly. Though my anxiety had been soothed, the inkling that I had made a mistake stayed for a long, long time.
In light of my newfound, self-destructive behaviors, my parents took me back to therapy. The therapist was hesitant in updating my diagnosis due to my age, but she hinted to my parents that I was exhibiting signs of bipolar disorder. Due to my family history and current behaviors, the therapist told us that we would keep a close eye on my actions,and that the diagnosis would be updated accordingly. Of course, on the ride home my parents fought loudly while I sat in the back, quiet and disassociated.“This is bullshit!”, my mother exclaimed. “She’s not bipolar, she’s just ateenager! All of her hormones are running rapid, and that’s why she’s acting this way. We will not be going back to that quack doctor again!” My father chuckled to himself in a sarcastic manner, and I watched my mother’s face twistin disgust. “It’s ironic for you to say it’s bullshit, CJ. You’ve lived in the realm of mental illness your entire life, it’s no surprise that she’s picked up the disease that your family carries. We knew it would be one of the kids; as a matter of fact, it may be both!” Dad dug his own grave with that final remark.